1. Figure Out It Is a Hemorrhoid
Don't spend three days thinking you somehow cut yourself inside your butt cheek. You will start thinking, man what the fuck did I do when I was drunk? How could I have done this? Did I sit on a spike? Did I wipe with sandpaper? You'll have some real disconcerting thoughts. Instead realize right away that it is a hemorrhoid and you probably got it cause you drank way too much over the weekend causing you to shit about seven times on Sunday and there was too much pushing going on.
2. Buy Baby Wipes
Buy two packs of baby wipes. A large pack for you're number one shitter at home and an on-the-go small pack for everywhere else. Bring a backpack to work so you can bring that into the bathroom with you. People will have questions and think, "hey why does he keep bringing his backpack into the bathroom?" That's okay. It's slightly better than people saying, "hey did you see that Jimmy brings his own baby wipes into the bathroom with him?" Continue to buy baby wipes and keep a pack at home for the rest of your life because they are phenomenal and going back to just toilet paper feels like a gross way to live once you've dove into baby wipes lifestyle.
3. Bring an Extra Pair of Boxers Everywhere With You
I'll make this one quick and to the point. Hemorrhoids cause bleeding. Blood gets on your boxers. That's super gross. Be prepared to do extra laundry.
4. If You Want Support Talk to Guys not Girls
After I realized it was a hemorrhoid and not something I should be totally ashamed of I needed to talk it out with someone. Let them know the troubles I was facing. Why I was shitting seven times a day. Every single female I told said, "that's weird. How did that happen?" or something to that extent. Every male I told replied with something like "oh been there man, that's the worst" Just totally supportive and understanding. Real pals. The girls made me feel like a bloody butt monster. Guys made me feel like a human.
5. Don't Get Ahead of Yourself
Just because the initial pain and blood are gone doesn't mean you are out of the woods. Be careful for a couple weeks. After my first pain free poop I acted as if it was all good and got a swift reminder that it was not all good. Be gentle. Baby wipes 4 lyfe.
*this advice only applies if you had the same exact hemorrhoid I had last week.
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