Friday, March 27th, 2015 (26 years old)
I’m back in Walnut Creek for the night. I just got back from dinner in Livermore for Jamie’s brothers birthday. It was a long dinner. I got the spicy chicken and sausage dish. It was okay.
I’m 26 now and I get depressed every time I say that. My first three weeks of film school have been completed. I still have a eleven months more to go. Film school has been good. It’s still the beginning, but it’s been good. I go Monday through Thursday from ten in the morning until five at night. With the hour commute each way it takes up a lot of my time. Once we get into the heavy duty projects it will consume even more of my time. I am excited about that.
I still don’t know what I am going to do for my next short film. I didn’t know what to do for this first one and backed myself into a project that didn’t really excite me. I don’t want to do that again. But I have no idea what to do. I have all these ideas and stories that I'm embarrassed to share or think will be too much or nonsensical to others. The rest of the kids in my class have all the cockiness and confidence in the world for their ides and stories. Somewhere during the last years I lost that youthful spark. I look at the young nineteen year old kids with envy. Everything is exciting to them. Everything is worthwhile and joyous. I remember feeling that. It feels like long time ago.
Tomorrow is the half marathon in Livermore. David Brad and Jamie are running in it. Afterwards is a little wine drinking festival so I am going to head over for that. Just an out of shape intruder showing up for the booze. Feels pretty slimy. A lot of things feel slimy about myself these days.
I’ve found that when left alone for a long time my mind really turns on me. With out the distraction of friends, without being able to make jokes and get people laughing and having a good time I really don’t have much going. I fear that my natural state of being is depressed. Without the distractions of friends all I have left is the fear of my future and the demise of my current life. No job, no money. limited friends. The mind is a fickle thing and I seem to be losing the fight against mine. I think too much. I always have.
There are so many things I need to do and even more that I want to do. I just can’t get myself to do them. Eventually I will and once the ball starts rolling I’m hoping it snowballs. Only problem is I’ve been hoping for a long time.
WOAHHH! SAD! Jesus.
I won't touch on this too much. This quote, "I fear that my natural state of being is depressed," struck me when reading it back. This is no longer a fear of mine but an accepted fact. I can't be alone with my own thoughts. On weekdays I have headphones on 80 percent of my awake life. I watch a million shows and listen to a million podcasts because if I am ever alone with my thoughts it sucks.
I like the Yankees, watching TV shows and talking about stuff.
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