When I Got Fingered By A Doctor
First couple weeks in college. I'm on my own now. An adult. Everything is going good. Oh what's that? I start shitting blood. Toilet paper is coming out looking like I shit out ketchup. I have my girlfriend drive me to the local doctor.
"Welp Doctor, I'm shittin blood."
"Lets have a look."
*JAMS HIS FINGERS UP MY ASS*
"What the fuck?"
He said he needed a stool sample. Hey Doc, I could have just shit in a cup you pervert! I could have shit into the palm of your hand you sick fuck! Two minutes after he was inside my anus he said "eat more fiber".
That's all it was. My diet had changed because for the first time in my life I was eating whatever looked good to me and not what my mother had carefully cooked.
I remember calling my mom and being appalled. "Do you know what he did?" My mom just laughed at me.
It honestly ruined my whole day. Had to tell my girlfriend I was shitting blood and have her take me to go get violated only to be told it's just because I didn't know how to eat right. Shitty day.
When I Shit My Pants at my First High School Football Game
New kid in school. Can't wait to go to the first football game and hang out with kid outside of the classroom. Since I didn't know them enough to invite them over it was my first chance to try and actually make friends. What do I do? I shit my pants and have to have my mom drive me home.
To hear the full story you can read this short story. Its somewhat fictionalized but probably 98 percent true.
When I Found Out I Was Moving Away From Connecitcut
We moved a lot. Moved from New Jersey to Australia when I was 8. Australia to Illinois when I was 10. Illinois to Connecticut when I was 14. The thing that made the move away from Connecticut the hardest was because it was the move that blindsided me the most. I knew we wouldn't stay in Australia. I knew we wouldn't stay in Illinois. We moved back east voluntarily because my mom wanted to be back on the east coast. It felt like a final move. I got to start high school. Make friends. Had a nice spot on the hockey team. Then only two years later we were leaving again.
Interview for a Sales Position Post College
The last interview I went on for a sales position was when real life really hit me. First, I woke up to find my car covered in mustard and hair gel because some punk kids in the neighborhood has excess mustard and hair gel and wanted a good time. I tried to wipe the hair gel off my windshield but it just spread it all over and I couldn't see. Also I had to shave and on account of having a fat face I get sad when I am clean shaven.
But mostly, once I graduated college and started going on interviews for sales positions I really felt led on by everything. Like wait? This is what is at the end of the line? Finish High School. Finish College and it was all for this? Sitting at a desk 9-5 doing something I have zero interest in? Something that gives me zero fulfillment?
Lil Dicky said it pretty good in his song American Rapper.
Just all felt like a trap. I want to do stuff where I get to be creative and use a skill I had. There needs to way more of an emphasis on trades when leaving High School. Thats the stuff that will help you the most.
Anyways, I went to this last interview and handed over my resume that was the equivalent of a single piece of shit covered in ten cans of Febreeze. Yeah it may smell good but it's still bullshit. Two guys asked me questions and I tried my best to sound interested and excited to work there as I died inside. The next day I sent a blast email out to every single videographer in Connecticut asking if they needed any helping hands. I'm so glad I did that.
December 14, 2012
I was driving home after a night at the bar with my friend when about 30 cop cars flew past us on the highway. Then I got a phone call from my dad saying there was a shooting at a school in Newtown. We didn't know which one. We went home and turned on the news and no one knew anything. They said multiple shooters. They said one shooter was at large. They said a few had been taken to the hospital. They said the shooter was from New Jersey. It was clear that no one knew anything and that was scary.
Then my dad and I went to pick up Luke from the middle school. It was so eerie. Helicopters were flying over town searching still. The school was dead silent. No one knew how bad it actually was. One lady who my dad knew pulled us aside. She said her neighbor was a first responder and it was bad. We heard the true details. I remember driving home with Luke and him asking questions. I just told him "whatever you have heard it is much much worse".
When we got home I think my dad and I both went our separate ways and cried.
I like the Yankees, watching TV shows and talking about stuff.
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