If I Were on this Flight From San Jose to Hawaii that Flew in Circles for Hours Before Landing Back in San Jose I Would Cry
Elderly Lady Beat Up in Bread Aisle of a Walmart By A Women Who Said "I want to get some bread, white bitch!"
Women's Basketball Team Attempts to Break the Record for Most Sandwiches Made at the Same Time. They Fail.
BART Janitor Who Makes More Than 250k A Year is in Hot Water for Taking a Nap in a Closet. I Call Bullshit.
Mice Are Overtaking My Town! This Lady has Caught over 80 Mice in Her Garage and Has Pictures to Prove it!
My office is in pretty close to north Livermore and we had a couple mice scurrying around our floorboards as well. I didn't know it was a full on mouse invasion that was happening. One time we had two mice in my garage in high school where we had couches and TV set up. The mice being there made it feel gross. Mice are gross. You can't have mice taking over your house. You just can't. But killing eighty mice in your garage? That's a battle that no man can walk away from and stay sane. That lady got two weeks in and started taking picture of every mouse she killed like they were a prize possession. Her life had become mice killing. Every talk over the dinner table had to be about the mice.
"We catch any today?"
"Well, I woke up to three dead from the night before. I checked them again before you came home and we got two more. They seem to be picking at the peanut butter more than the cheese."
"I'll switch all the traps to peanut butter before I go to sleep tonight."
"I think we also need to take the trap by the far door and move it to the fridge."
"They're liking the fridge more these days? I thought they were hanging out by the bikes?"
"That was last week. They've migrated to the fridge now."
"Okay, I'll move them to the fridge. By the way, how's the rest of your life going?"
Mice! mice! mice! I bet these mice have ruined some marriages and also strengthened others. Some couples can really bond over the strategy of mice killing. Some couple can't handle the pressures of war. No doubt in my mind at least two retired men who had nothing to do all day dove head on into mice killing and are now living the life of Charlie Kelly.
People are Camping Out for Free Food at the New Chick-Fil-A in Pleasanton. I Think Someone Should Get the Homeless Involved.
At first I was going to make fun of these people pretty good. There are chick-fil-a's in the area, so camping out for a free chicken sandwich seems completely insane. Camping out in line for anything is pretty insane. But then I saw the actual promotion. Chick-Fil-A gives its first 100 customers free food for a year. Well, 52 meals, which is actually free food for about two months. That's a pretty sweet deal. As someone who works a 9-5 it would be great to know that one day every week I was going to eat a nice chicken sandwich for free. But then I got to thinking...
I hate to come off as a nice guy but I really think someone should go round up all the homeless in the area and throw them on this line. They most likely don't have the internet or the wherewithal to know this promotion is going on. I feel like someone should go out like Charlie Wilson, load the homeless into their truck bed and drop them off. If you're a regular person in this line and a homeless person walks up, I think you gotta give them your spot. You just got to.
That's my whole idea. Someone who isn't lazy and has their pulse on the homeless community in Pleasanton go round up all the people sleeping under overpasses and willow trees and put them on this Chick-Fil-A line.
That video was cool and interesting at first. I wanted to make fun of the whole situation because it's fun and weird but then that dude's heart literally broke. EIGHTEEN YEARS! EIGHTEEN YEARS! You could hear his heart break in the middle of that. It was very similar to when my voice would crack while yelling the amount of outs in little league. "2 Outs! Plays at FiiiIRRRRSsst!" For me I was twelve and going through puberty. For this guy his marriage ended.
I wish we had the beginning and the end of this story. We've got the middle documented in beautiful fashion. If you are that wife you have to be stealthier though. It's not like she doesn't know her husband is a drone guy. That's not something he has hidden from her. If you know your husband has drones then you better be prepared for him to spy on you with them. This lady needed to use underpasses and tunnels like Joe Pesci in Casino. At least walk to the back of the building the dude was hiding out at. Walk into a store and take cover for a couple minutes then walk out at the same time someone else walks out so there are two bodies. Basically you have to do anything besides meet up in the middle of a parking lot and immediately give him a kiss from outside the car.
I can only hope this guy posts a follow up video giving us the deets on the end. I can only imagine he had to hop in his car with a camera in hand and confront her. That's if he was able to land the drone calmly. His hands had to be shaking like a mother fucker with fear and anger and sadness as he was flying that thing and saw the kiss. Landing it safely in that situation would be very impressive.
Welp, good luck to this dude. Thanks for sharing your broken heart with us for our entertainment.
Three Cows Got Stranded on a Tiny Piece of Land after an Earthquake. (Unless You Are In Love With Cows this is Hilarious)
Well shit. What a scene this is. Life changing event for these cows. I hope it's one family and not just three randos. I'd like to request that no humans go and help these guys. I know thats what will probably happen because people love saving animals that don't really need to be saved (see: Pandas). They'll probably spend a ton of money and airlift them out Free Willy style. But I'd really rather them not save them and keep a camera on them at all times so we can see how this naturally plays out. It depends on if cows are like cats or dogs. Dogs would have the oldest one test the waters on walking down to see if it is safe. Cats would push the calf off the side to see if its safe. If I had to guess I'd say cows aren't like cats or dogs and they just stand there until they fall over and die like a bunch of idiots. Either way, hilarious situation and video.
Yamuna's pollution level is so bad that parts of it have been labelled 'dead' as there is no oxygen in it for marine life to survive. The river, which plays an important role in many religious ceremonies performed by Hindus, is home to the city's industrial waste and residential waste where people even wash their clothes and utensils on a regular basis. The worst part is that the situation only got triggered with the poor air quality that enveloped the city with smog post Diwali.
I'm a big believer in that germs are stupid. I don't really get grossed out by much. I'll use any port-o-potty, I'll eat on a subway, 5 second rule, three minute rule, I don't give a shit. But this stuff going down in Delhi right now is gross. Super gross. Grosser than the scene in Slumdog Millionaire where the kid falls in a pile of shit. Okay, no, not as gross as that but at least the kid in that scene had no other choice. These people are knowingly walking into and bathing in foam. They know it's supposed to be water but see that it's foam and are shrugging it off like it's no big deal.
The water is labeled as dead! Dead water! No way for marine life to survive and here we have people washing their bodies and belongings in it because it's a tradition. Fucking religions man. Craziness bottled and drank by the masses. That goes for all religions, every one of them. Yeah all these people are crazy because they are bathing in death yet when I was a kid I went to a building every Sunday that had a dead guy hanging on the wall and we ate his body and drank his blood while holding hands and repeating creeds and that was made out to be normal.
Bottom line, cancel your trips to the Yamuna River. Shits gross right now.
Being a dad basically means you can never be humble ever again. You have a couple years where your kids can't talk and are cute but once they get older you become the butt of every joke. It's got to be brutal. This guys girl is eleven years old and just did something so well that she got interviewed on national television. Her dad was probably watching the clip beaming with pride. His little girl, she worked her butt off, surfed like a stud, and is being awarded for it. He's sitting on the couch with tears in his eyes. The interviewers ask, "your dad must be so proud, was he an athlete as well?" Dad leans back in the couch and thinks, yes, I was, tell em hunny. Tell them how I used to be a great surfer and how I taught you everything you know. Tell them about all the early morning sessions we had together. Tell them about all the times we drove for hours chasing the big waves so you could practice. Tell them hunny! Then his daughter opens her mouth and says "Yeah, dad was alright but he's fat now. He eats a ton of ice cream. My mom stopped buying it for him because he was getting so fat but then he got real mad at her so she had to keep buying it for him." Dad hits pause on the remote and says "what the fuck?"
There's just no escaping it for dads. My dad goes to work and he's the big boss, he works hard and everyone loves him and kisses his ass all day. He gets in his car and starts driving home, happy to eat dinner with his family. Then his phone rings and its my mom saying, "you said you would be home at seven so I made dinner to be ready for seven. It's 7:15 and everyone is sitting at the table so we are going to eat without you." Bam! Back to Dad life. You want to grow a goatee? Be ready for all your teenage kids to ridicule you and make fun of you until you shave it. You want to use your cool new technology you just figured out? Be ready for all your kids to tell you that no ones does that anymore and it's uncool. Being a dad basically just means you raised a gang of bullies who have a free pass to pick on you at all times. So if you gain a bunch of weight and your daughter gets interviewed on TV of course she is going to tell the world how fat you are. Even if you aren't even fat (that dude didn't look fat?). That's what having kids is all about!
P.S. I always feel bad for Australians because they don't get to enjoy their accent as much as we do. This interview was way funnier because Australian accents are awesome. For them it was just a normal girl talking. And US accents are too normal to be funny to anyone probably.
Get a load of these assholes. Having gray hair ain't cool. It ain't fun. I found my first gray when I was a sophomore in High School. I was in biology class and my girlfriend found it and pulled it out. Then for the remainder of high school I had a patch on the front of my head. I would cut them out when I got my hair cut. Cuts to graduating college. I'm 23 years old and the grays are storming in . Marching in droves. Now, I'm just a gray haired person. It sucks. I can't grow my hair long because the grays are all wild and stiff. They grow sideways.
I knew I had some gray hairs and it was okay. A fun joke to have. Kind of like being fat. It's still better then going bald. It all came crashing down when we filmed episode 1 of Grown Losers and I saw the back of my head for the first time.
I had no idea that the back sides of my head were more gray than not gray. Such a crushing blow. I was depressed about it for a little. Contemplated dying it for a split second before I realized how annoying that whole ordeal would be. I'm just a gray haired dude now. Whatever. But now I've got models dying there hair gray on purpose to look cool? Get the fuck out of here. This could potentially lead to people thinking I am dying my hair gray on purpose to be trendy and cool. The only thing worse then going prematurely gray is dying your hair gray because it's 'cool'. Plus Zayn Maliks hair doesn't even look gray. It just looks like he dipped it in dust. Gray hair is stiff, it's stubborn, it's a menace. You can't style naturally gray hair. This is all bullshit. I hate it as much as I hate my stupid gray hair.
NBC - Your sweet tooth is in for a treat. Mars Chocolate has announced that M&M’s are getting a new filling — caramel.
I remember back in 2002 when M&Ms added a new color. They had a big poll and purple won out. It was a big deal. Now they're adding new flavors every six months. It's what the candy industry is these days though. Everything has a ton of flavors. Soon everything is going to be a different version of the same shit. It's kind of what happened to apps. For a little bit it was simple. Twitter was for text. Instagram was for pictures. Vine was for video. Then Instagram started doing video. Then twitter started doing video. Facebook does it all. Everything offers the same thing in different packaging.
Well now we've got a new M&M flavor. Caramel. Seems weird that caramel wasn't the first of the new flavors to be made. Caramel and chocolate is like lamb and tunafish. I'm not huge on caramel though. Unless its sea salt and caramel. That shit is delicious. Of course I'll try these new guys but I don't see them sneaking into my top three flavors.
NYP - A South Dakota infant born with an adult-sized tongue can finally breathe — and smile — on her own.
It really sucks that this baby had to deal with all this. I feel bad for the parents. I'm happy the surgery made it better and she can smile and breath with ease now. I truly mean all the nice things... but god damn if those pictures don't made me giggle like a little kid. Like cmon. If I was to believe in god this would make me really question where his head his at. 'I've made a billion normal ones, what if we changed it up for once... ah shit bad idea! Bad idea!'
Now that the baby had surgery and her tongue is small does that mean as an adult she's going to have a babies tongue? The Benjamin Button of tongues!
I searched for pictures of babies born with adult ears or adult noses but it doesn't seem to be something that has been made yet. Never knew I needed to see that until now though. Adult ears would be amazing. Adult nose would be the ugliest thing ever?
If those pictures don't make you laugh even a little bit then leave and never come back.
Teenage Leader of a Nazi Group in Colorado Killed Himself for the Good of the Movement. I applaud him.
DAILYCAMERA - At least five Boulder Valley high school students have been expelled in the wake of the suicide last month of a student who led a Nazi-themed group chat on Facebook that advocated killing African-Americans and Jews.
What a fantastic leader this kid was. Every leader of a hate group should follow this kids lead. In fact, the next leader of this 4th Reich Group Chat better step up to the plate and kill himself. For the good of the movement. It's what the last leader did. And then the next leader, the third in line of the 'we need to kill all the jews and black people' group chat should step right up and kill himself too. It a phenomenal strategy for terrorists and hate groups. Oh you want to lead a movement against an entire race of people? Prove it. Kill yourself.
Also I thought the internet is closely monitored? Everyone is always so scared that everything they type is being heavily read and recorded. Well, um, guys? We've got fifteen kids in Colorado who participate in a group chat called The 4th Reich. Should probably have known about that before the leader killed himself in their name.
15 People in London Stuck Their Arm Through a Hole and Got a Mystery Tattoo (but I'm calling bullshit)
SEENINTHECITY - Which is why some controversy is surrounding tattoo artist Scott Campbell who has recently touched down in London and is re-staging his popular ‘Whole Glory’ installation in Covent Garden. After holding a successfully similar event in New York, Campbell is hoping his idea of inking strangers via a hole in the wall where they have no idea or communication about what they will be inked with will be just as popular in the UK as in the big apple.
This is the best marketing stunt by a tattoo artist ever. It's such a great headline. Mystery tattoos!?!? Oh my! In reality these people are taking zero risk. Absolutely zero risk. This dude Scott Campbell is a known tattoo artist. His clientele includes a bunch of famous celebrities and he has over 100k followers on Instagram. So the question really isn't 'would you stick your arm through a hole in the wall and receive a mystery tattoo' but more 'hey do you want a free tattoo from your favorite artist?'. And that is a super easy question.
It's basically like asking me if I am going to enjoy Bruce Springsteen's next album. Or if I would throw down a ton of money at a Norman Rockwell auction not knowing which picture I'm going to get. Doesn't fucking matter. I love every song Bruce Springsteen has recorded and I love every painting Norm has painted. If you bet me a million dollars that I will be rooting for the Yankees in thirty years I would raise it to two million. Doesn't matter that I have no idea who the players will be then. I like the Yankees.
What this experiment really should have been was selecting 15 random people to receive a tattoo and 15 random people to give a tattoo. Now that would be a risk! Or maybe you make it a chain. The first person to receive a tattoo then turns around and gives the next person one. "Why'd you write 'fuck' on my arm?" "Don't blame me the person I had drew a dick on mine!" That would be a great test for society. If the first person starts it off with a bad tattoo would everyone after get a bad tattoo out of spite?
As for the tattoos these people got here they are. Some are okay... I guess. I think Scott Campbell's style is intricate flowers and birds and then bold and bad skulls. One complex item and then one child drawn item. If I got the second picture in this slide show I'd be pissed, fan of Campbell or not.
I like the Yankees, watching TV shows and talking about stuff.
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